xix

beautiful stars

xvii

just got back from berkeley and one of the conversations i had there involved the balance of the personal spiritual health of a person and his witness to others. this conversation would not have been that significant to me except for what happened that morning.

this morning, i went to church. i haven't been to church for a long time.

i wasn't serving in the nursery today, but i was at church.

i wasn't inside listening to the sermon, but i was at church.

i was outside talking to a young boy who has not been around for awhile and i was at church.

i was watching football and eating a burger with this boy. this was church today.

my friend in berkeley also shared about the sermon she heard today about digging deep into god's word, that there are many layers and we shouldn't just settle for the top layer. again, this would not have been that significant except for that very same morning, i heard the same message, not from my pastor in the sanctuary, but from this young boy, some dirt we were playing with, ants, and an assortment of other bugs after digging deeper.

i've been so distracted recently and as i played my heart out on the keyboards, i thought i could meet god and focus on worshiping him. but that didn't happen until i began to give up everything including my service in the nursery just to wait, listen, and spend time with this young boy.

the line between intimacy with god and sharing god's love to others is often blurred and sometimes not there.

xv

i have been a christian now for nine years and for these past nine years have really focused on school, music, my relationship with god, and understanding others individually and as cultures. being in serious relationships was not something on my mind but after nine years, it has crept its way in the forefront of my thoughts. but this venture has begin with nothing but rejections.

i can hear a voice in me telling me that only wanting to date christians has limited me. it reminds me of a friend who used to constantly ask me (but really stating it to me in question form), "don't you think being a christian involved at church has held you back from your full potential as a genius?" other people feel my music career suffers the same setback. and there is validity in these statements but what comes to mind more at the moment are friendships in general.

i will have to admit, currently (the past 22 months) i feel most lonely when i am at church and i feel most at ease and comfortable with people who aren't christians (or christians but their religion an afterthought). in fact, meeting someone who announces themselves as a christian and continues to share their beliefs, church life, etc... can be a major turn-off. makes me wonder how my friends perceive me. there are many reasons that sum up to these feelings but one stands out in particular. the relationship with a christian is often filled with multitudes of motives, standards, etc... while when i hang out with my friends, the only motive is really just to have fun and enjoy each other's company (and our motives are rarely seen as improper).

this leads me to reading and understanding more deeply what jesus said:

and he said to him, "you shall love the lord your god with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. this is the great and foremost commandment. the second is like it, you shall love your neighbor as yourself. on these two commandments depend the whole law and the prophets." ~matthew 22:37-40

when it come to the second commandment, i feel many churches, individual christians (including myself) are a step behind the rest of the world. instead of allowing these two commandments guide the rest of our decisions, we often let other structures, procedures, and motives (basically the equivalency of laws and prophets) define how we carry on these commandments.

i have been reading simple church by thom rainer and eric geiger who discuss on simplicity and i look at how complex we have become in our approaches in friendships. i am all for simplicity: trying to follow jesus' wise teachings.

note: although i drew a straight line between christians and non-christians, in reality i do have many christian friends who i love being around and share genuine relationships and i also know many non-christian environments with complicated structures of friendships and multitudes of motives as well.

xiv

so recently, i dislocated my pinky playing basketball. i haven't been able to practice piano or lift weights for the past week. not only that, but i'm leading worship for the first time this coming week and it would sure be helpful if i could have the services of my left pinky.

all this has left me with no other choice but to retire from basketball. it's not that i really enjoy the sport but rather that i really enjoy playing with my cousins and friends (even though those moments happen rarely) and other people.

as far as sports, i'm glad i've taken up tennis. orignally, i only played it to hang out with some old friends. now i watch the matches on television, look up how to play online, etc... it's a sport that i'm able to play with more kinds of people as well (trying to get my mom to play with me... that would have never happenned in the world of basketball).

one thing that i miss in basketball is the teamwork. tennis is the ultimate competitive sport (one- on-one). other than that, i'm sure god will open up more doors for me to hang out with those that i normally just play basketball with. i've been thinking of looking for gloves to protect my fingers as well. we'll see...

about losing nevesy tenin: i feel a part of me has disappeared recently. so i don't know if this is bad but i often call upon a different part of myself (another personality if you must) when i perform (especially in music). this side of me is slightly out of control but full of energy and totally unconscious of what he is doing. it's not a split personality because the person that is normally me is still very conscious and aware of what's going on. but i'll admit i don't call upon this person in circumstances such as sports for i fear what he's capable of (as far as hurting others). it's a part of me that i've learned to tame and call upon but recently have not been able to reach. it's like he disappeared entirely and i've lost him. not only that, but he's desserted me in the worst of moments since i haven't been able to concentrate on my music or anything because of other things in my life. i'm slowly learning how to craft without him though and my concentration is returning. i do miss his energy though and wonder where he is...

xiii

so i've been coming home lately to the waiting of two neighborhood cats who used to be afraid of me but now suddenly have warmed up to me since i got back from southern california. i don't know if it's because during that trip i've actually slowed down in life to listen and care for what's around me, or if it's because i've been around cats that entire trip.

anyways, one evening i sit on the bench to let the orange cat sit on my lap and we just sit there staring onto the street my front yard. i was able to put my arms and hands around the neck of the cat and pretty much felt capable of killing this cat. it made wonder how can this cat trusts me so easily. of course, i would gladly die for this cat simply because it came to me. and i think the cat knew, or at least had faith in me. so despite the fact that other people stay away from this cat because of rumors of cat bites, despite the fact that it does damage to my garden, this cat knew i forgave.

i'm learning it's the same way with god: we mess up his creations, sin against him and we know he is powerful enough to utterly destroy us. yet we can still lay in his arms in complete trust. except i haven't been waiting at the footsteps for my god to come home each night.

it was about 2 a.m. and just got home exhausted, carrying my equipment back into the house. i actually walked back out to sit on the bench and have the cat come sit on my lap. he was waiting outside as if he knew i would do this (i did tell him but it wasn't like he speaks english?) i never was much of a cat person, but i felt like i had a meeting with this cat. and in the end, i learned so much from this experience. i need to wait for god more...

xii

last week was a refreshing blast of ocean water, quiet time, and lot's of eating. i have fallen completely in love with the ocean and now recovering from being back at home. spending time with god and myself was so easy during this trip and it has become a reset in my life to set aside time for myself and god.

while i was reading 1 samuel, this bird that was resting beside me suddenly took off and flew circles around me before he left. i was left in awe of such a flight. as i looked back down, i found this white rock and kept it as a reminder of such a lovely scene.

as i looked back up, i saw this ball of seeweed tumbling around in the ocean. it continually resurfaced as if untouched and in harmony with the waves. the sun rays reflected wonderfully off the seeweed. i realize that i have to be like that seeweed, that although the temporary waves of events in life hurt me and move me around, i'll resurface at the top to reflect god's light.

so the answer was "no" and i am a little disapointed, saddenned, and a little down. but mainly, i'm having trouble trying to stop thinking about her and move on. i've been having trouble concentrating while performing music and now even struggling during my personal practices. it'll pass and my bandmates think my music is better than its ever been. i guess i'm lost in my emotions. last night at only won's video shoot, i just zoned out with baldwin's voice in the background, "hey..." i must of looked pretty weird just staring at the grass while the actors were waiting for me.

the doubts now creep in: i wasn't good enough, should have waited longer, too nervous and wasn't myself whenever i was with her or talked to her... i look back and knew that i acted a lot differently than who i was but then again, i've been pretty lost as who i am recently and i'm starting to believe that there's a lot of sides of me and that really is me.

ultimately, i know i'm that seeweed and this is just another wave in life that hits hard but won't keep me away from the rays of sun. my friend's blog led me to this verse:

and as christ's soldier, do not let yourself become tied up in the affairs of this life, for then you cannot satisfy the one who has enlisted you in his army. ~2 timothy 2:4

i love god's timing in when he speaks to me.

iv

i've read charlotte's web many times as a kid but never as an adult until tonight. i am so shocked by how incredibly deep the story is. there are so many life issues and philosophical ideas expressed throughout the book and they relate so much to me right now. the mix of different animals in the barnyard remind me so much of nhcc.

the rat, templeton who the others learn to get along with despite his awkwardness and the differences of charlotte the spider capture the mood of nhcc (not to say any of us portray these characters, just that we are all so different yet all get along for the same purpose so deeply)

actually, i relate dearly to wilbur the pig in his struggles with life ponderings and issues.

"i'm less than two months old and i'm tired of living," he said. he walked out to the yard again. "when i'm out here," he said, "there's no place to go but in. when i'm indoors, there's no place to go but out in the yard."

the girl fern who can talk to these animals and hear their conversations remind me so much of what i have such a hard time with. presumbly, her mom is worried about her but is reassured when fern eventually grows out of her childhood ways and cannot hear the language of the animals any longer as she grows up with other interests such as henry fussy occupying her mind. there's one scene in particular of which her mom stares in awe from below fern and henry on a ferris wheel going higher and higher against the backdrop of a starry sky. she's left her original friends who are now just mere animals in a barn. they cannot even communicate anymore.

people always talk about how tough it is to work with children and highschoolers. these people shower me with praise and i don't deny their feedback on how tough it may be. but it always seems they focus on the difficulties and qualities of time, dedication, commitment, patience, communication, management, etc... which i agree can be daunting but pale in comparison to the emotional difficulties (at least for me). those bonds are inseparable and the pains others feel i feel. i was just in tears the other sunday during worship as i sat next to the 16 year old mother whose stroller was so flimsy that she had to keep her hands on the handles just to keep the stroller upright and balanced. it almost seemed easier to just carry the child half her size in her arms.

even those you see and get to know for one week become difficult to let go.

also, those that end up growing up will soon enough leave you. they have better things, better friends, a whole adventure before them. you're left behind as something of a pleasant memory at best. and from a distance, you may see them struggle and there is nothing you can do except pray, keep your patient distance, and just wait. they often change and perhaps become disconnected, as if you two are now in different worlds. often ignoring you and perhaps throwing hateful thoughts toward you (i wonder which is worse). but in the end, it's not so much that they hate you as much as they are living out a life that has only begun for them. but still, it hurts... a lot. i couldn't imagine how much more it hurts for the parents who raised their kids, spent countless nights taking care and worrying; their lives dedicated to and often dictated by their children. all this and to hear nothing but a grunt during breakfast and a quick "hello, goodbye" before the child is off to something else.

i don't understand how the elderly can just sit and watch with those they love never or rarely visiting them and be so peaceful all the same. they are so strong.

working with youth and children has definitely opened my eyes to appreciating the labors and love of my parents, my teachers, mentors, and all those adults who just happenned to be there for me. i remember when i was in junior high with no friends and just horrid days awaiting. my mom's friend from the post office came over to pick me up each day in his mustang so that i might play video games at his place to pass the time. he often just watched and helped me out when i needed it. obviously, as i grew up, i stopped hanging out at his place and even later on stopped playing video games. i look back and realize, i've never said thank you and have never given back to him who had so much to give and gave it freely. even now, he gives me strength in knowing that i'm trying to do for others what others have done for me.